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I’m disappointed

http://www.yourhoustonnews.com/bay_area/opinion/barber-r-i-p-boy-scouts-of-america/article_1c92c1ae-d7d7-57a5-8f9d-d94ee94d8870.html?TNNoMobile.

I realize there is a lot of pressure from people who like to make a lot of noise about issues such as abortion and homosexuality for institutions and conservatives to side with them and their arguments. I’m venting here because for once I thought that an organization would stand up to all these people bullying believers and traditionalists and hold to their values. And yes, that is what these people are, bullies…they try to push their ways down people’s throats and make people like me, who essentially just want to protect my family and consequently keep my parental rights because OH MY GOODNESS, I actually want them, out to be bigots and racists. First, let me clarify, I am not a bigot nor am I a racist, but I am a conservative and I know many people do not think that is possible, but that is just their bigotry and racism showing. Here’s the thing, I want my boys to be boys, I don’t want to emasculate them, there are way to many emasculated males out there due to a wonderful (note my sarcasm) movement we call feminism. Here is where society is all backwards, boys being boys means a whole slew of things, but society has tried to compartmentalized the genders and out of that has come this great obsession with homosexuality and gender confusion, and yes it is an obsession. I am a believer, God does not make mistakes, I’m female because I was supposed to be. I worry about my daughter, but not near as much as I worry about my sons…they have a massive battle ahead of them and one of the organizations I thought I could depend on to help them process all this confusion has decided to cave to the bullies. Many people are saying it’s no big deal, but these bullies take a mile when you give them an inch…don’t give them an inch and Boy Scouts just did. I’m disappointed.

 

Yesterday

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Yesterday was a blah day for me. We are expecting baby #4 in August, please keep your comments to yourself as there are countless scriptures about the blessings of children; Psalm 127:3-5, Psalm 139:13-16, John 16:21, and my favorite James 1:17. I realized yesterday on facebook of all places that it marked the 40th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, and that our nation had aborted over 55 million babies. No wonder it was a hard day. Here I am having just seen our baby for the first time on Monday (pictured above), and heard his/her heartbeat, and millions of innocents have died without reason. It is horrific, there is not really any other way to describe it. God gave them life and just for that reason their life serves a purpose. I challenge anyone with children to raise up a generation that loves life, life in all forms because it is only then that all this worthless killing will stop. Teach your children that God breathes life into everything therefore if any life is conceived it holds value and purpose. None of our children were planned and yes they have changed every aspect of our life, but they are so worth it, and yesterday, well yesterday I mourned those babies that someone thought were not worth it.

Change

My heart was heavy all day yesterday and even more so when I went to bed about nine CST. Somehow I knew the outcome of the election. My heart is sad because we have chosen to elect a fiscally irresponsible president who endorses abortion. It tells me the state of the people in our country and that makes my heart heavy. I prayed all day yesterday and cried off and on because I knew the majority of the people of the USA have turned their backs on God. It is with heavy conviction that I say this and I truly do not mean to offend anyone, but you have to understand when I profess Christ it means my beliefs line up with the Bible and I will have to answer to decisions I make that do not. I do not claim to be perfect and praise God for forgiveness, but non-believers do not fall under the grace of God through Jesus. I do not want my children to be raised in a land where their lives are not protected especially when they are not born.  People will always be more important to believers than money and when the United States elected Obama, it made me realize people are not the most important anymore.  Putting aside the economy, I already feel I have to protect my children from predators all the time, but it is just going to get worse. When the elected has no regard for what God calls an abomination, it is no longer just someone in the White House, it allows satan strongholds and that never turns out well. My life does not belong to me it belongs to God, and I made that choice. I am crying right now because the USA has proven itself as a nation turning from God and I do not wish my children to grow up in that environment, I want something better for them. I am praying for change, for God to reveal Himself to the lost of our nation and I will respect our president because I am told to do so, but all the while I am praying God will reveal Himself to Barak Obama. I know that Jesus was what most people today consider a socialist, but it was to show the glory of God, not to gain power. It is the underlying state of the heart that matters and God is after hearts. God is still in the business of change, especially changing people’s hearts. May all the believers be on their knees asking God to reveal Himself to our nation.

Anger

We made it to church on Sunday and we were really supposed to make it to church on Sunday. I know how much better of a week I have after I have had fellowship. But, forget fellowship, I was in my seat this week because I received a front row ticket to conviction. Matt was speaking on Anger and as usual he nailed it, but it had a profound impact on me, I am angry. It was like every time he said something God was stirring my heart and I was reminded of myself on most days. He talked about pairing your strengths to someone else’s weaknesses (using “you always do this or that’), and how it fuels anger. This is not quite were he convicted me. He nailed me on the what feeds anger, lack of trust in God and shame. The shame got me, he mentioned mothers being shameful because we think we should be further along than what we are, and how it spills out wherever it can go (usually the spouse and children). I never thought about this being the fuel for my anger or even relating to anger at all. That’s me. That being said, I will never be everything I am supposed to without allowing God’s grace in my own life. I am working on reconciling my anger this week. There were other comments on anger that convicted me, but I felt compelled to share this with all my Moms out there. God has placed you as the wife/mother of your family for a reason, trust him and allow yourself some grace. Repent of the shame and allow God to work in you, it is only then that you will move forward.

Insecurities

Insecurity is a funny thing, one would think as she got older she would become more confident, not so in my case. I have never really had a problem with insecurity, oh sure, there are the natural ones in the teen years, but I never struggled much with it as most of them had to do with appearances, and well I knew “beauty was only skin deep”. My insecurities now don’t have much at all to do with appearances anyway so they are much harder to handle. I started to feel inadequate in many aspects of my life after I had our third baby. I also started to feel guilty…wait what. I second guess myself all the time and it annoys me so I know it annoys the people around me. I have always been able to make a decision, stick with it, and usually back it up, not so much anymore. I am not really sure where it is stemming from or what is driving it, wait yes I am, satan. The devil is something else and since I have let my spiritual life slide in the last ten years, he has taken full advantage. It is time to get back on track and reunite with my Savior and let Him go to battle for me. It is exhausting trying to battle insecurities by myself and frankly I cannot do it. They creep up again and again never relenting. God can have all these insecurities and this second guessing because it is miserable. I need to remember I was created for a purpose and that I have a role in the body, but as Matt said, “I cannot be the foot if I was designed to be the hand”. Well, I cannot be anything until I get my relationship with my Savior back on track. I think His Word would be a great place to start.

Me Time

I know as a Mom of three young children “me time” can get away quickly. It took me three bad haircuts (all from the quick cheap places) in a year to finally to take the time to go to someone I knew could do it. I have not had a pedicure in almost two years (I love pedicures and got them routinely up until little James came along). I just recently started buying jewelry (thanks to my Premiere consultant!!) again. I am a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant so I have the skin care/make up down not that I wear make up every day, I just know how to make it work for me. I am now searching for my clothing style. I got off topic. I do not spend time on myself anymore. At one point, I counted weight watchers points for every food I put in my mouth, I woke up between four and five am to get on the elliptical, and I felt way better then than I do now. My daily routine consisted of rejuvenating myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally before my kiddos woke up or after they went to bed. I realize I have one more now, but it is just as important to do those things now if not more important. I get completely exhausted playing “horsy” or “ring around the roses” with my children. They wear me down emotionally and mentally to the point of tears many days. I do not necessarily consider “me time” meaning I have to get out of the house away from the children, but more I have to put my priorities in order so I am better equipped to play, teach, and guide my energetic children. It may mean getting up an hour earlier, but I know I sleep better when my four states (physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional) are being taken care of. Plus I just want to be in shape again and I know the hard work that takes!

Inadequacy

Parenting is a joy, but oh so hard. I have found myself comparing my mothering to others more than I used to, and I am not sure why. Maybe this post will help me figure it out. There are so many activities I would love for my boys to be a part of especially as I watch Joseph transition from toddler to preschool, but I am feeling so inadequate about my ability to teach him. I feel some of this is stemming from everyone deciding they have the best parenting method, and all the sudden people care about how other people parent. I think it interesting as I have watched it unfold from when Joseph was a baby…other people are into my business as a parent a lot more than they used to be, and maybe it is because I have three so young. I just feel overwhelmed with all the directions everyone tells you to go with your children. I did not used to do this, usually I am the type of person who says you do whats best for your family and I will do what is best for mine, and trust God to guide Robby and I to what is best for my family, but here recently I have felt so inadequate. I second guess my decisions and go back and forth about what to do, and the reality is in my heart I know what is right. I let people talk me out of what I think might be best for the kids because the alternative is “easier” or “cheaper”. I want the boys to grow up in an environment that fosters their strengths and God given abilities, but focuses more on their character. It is hard to be a parent in today’s society and maybe it was this way back then also, but for some reason I doubt it…people weren’t as into what other people were doing back then. I just feel pulled in every direction and I need complete quiet with my children to pray, regroup, and move ahead. There is not a moment of quiet and I am not really getting anytime to sit and evaluate my children and were they are at. I want to figure out their love languages and cater to that, I want to learn an effective method of discipline (so many people think they know what is best on this one), but until I get to really have some time to think about them and what makes them tick I cannot do that. I think that is why I am feeling so inadequate…I know my children, but feel very limited in my knowledge. I am tuning everyone except God out and am going to take time to reflect on my children.

Growing Up

We all do it right, lol. I have this interesting relationship with my children’s growth…one hand says when they are older they might not need me as much (you know the constant need that only a mother knows because of course they do not bang on the door or bug Daddy when he takes retreat behind a locked door or you have to lay down with them because…well just because your Mom) case in point Joseph is incessantly banging on the door saying Mama, Mama, Mama and every time I ask him what he needs he stops (his Dad thinks it is funny and some days it might be, but I am nursing a three week old and taking care of two toddlers, time alone is precious).  It is a constant growth process even for me, but some days I wish they did not need me so much, but I am not sure that passes until they find God’s grace and learn to depend on Him. I do not want them to grow up too fast because they are only young once, but getting them to an age where they can fend for themselves when I am exhausted would be nice.

The Grind

What gives, right…apparently nothing around here. Robby and I are at peak stress because we somehow managed to put way too much on our plates at once. We are in the process of buying a house (quite an ordeal with a lot of time spent on the phone, and if you have little ones you know that is never good!), and I am 81/2 months pregnant with our third which includes being hormonal (girl), tired and uncomfortable. I became a Mary Kay beauty consultant and I really need to be holding more parties, but at the end of the day that is the last thing on my mind. The boys have learned to open and climb on the dishwasher, yesterday they pulled the dresser down on themselves (the bed caught most of the damage) while I was using the restroom for literally maybe a minute (I have learned to go fast in order to avoid catastrophe), and they know how to get child proof locks off of doors. Not to mention they know that some big changes are coming because they are fighting with each other constantly. I feel like I wake up to a battlefield everyday, oh wait, I think I do. James learned to crawl out of his crib so we decided to put him in a big boy bed which he does not stay in for naps. Hopefully this will be fixed when we move and they go to separate rooms. James has also learned to take off his diaper which triggered Joseph into doing it again. I know I need to try to potty train Joseph, but I really do not have the energy and I do not feel like it would be productive for either one of us nor our relationship. This is the grind, we are in the middle of one of the hardest times of our life, raising children, and there are days that I love to be around my children and there are days I think this will never be the time in my life I look back on and say “oh I wish I could go back there again”. Most days I am optimistic and I know this is for a short while then they grow up, but today, today I am just experiencing pure exhaustion.

Politics

I have always enjoyed politics, but in a way that made me want to stay on the back burner and watch it all play out. Not anymore. I do not desire my freedoms taken away from me, and I am not talking about freedom to get “free” birth control. I will not take birth control again, and if it is being produced then it is not free…someone’s paying for it. I digress, I am not talking about free products or services (those are nice, but usually drive prices up), I am talking about the freedom to think and make my own decisions. I don’t know when politicians or “the powers that be” decided that they knew what was best for me, but I am not inclined to believe them. I am an intelligent human being and though I have made bad choices before, I still want the freedom to make those bad decisions, and I am well aware that there are consequences to my decisions. For all of the critical thinking and deductive reasoning supposedly “taught” in higher education, there seems to be less and less people using those skills. It all sounds so good on paper and in speeches, but the truth is even the ignorant are not going to like being told what to do and how to think, which is where we are headed. Our politicians have decided they like power and they have forgotten we still live in a country where the people decide the mandates and laws. So this is a call to anyone, who like me always had the issues in the back of their mind, but sat quietly while it slowly got worse. I am a conservative and the main reason I am conservative is because I am not entitled to anything, everything I have today someone fought and paid, mainly with their life, for me to have. Remember, nothing is ever free, someone is paying and the true freedoms, the ones really worth fighting for, are almost always bought with someone’s life.

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